guess how much

"Mom, I just don't know how much I love you, I love you so much..."this coming from the lips of my precocious, darling, four-year old son moments after he patiently, gently counselled me with: "Mom, next time you see me come into your room in the middle of the night,  tell yourself this -It means I need a drink of water and milk, water first, and cold - in your head so you don't forget." Snakey expresses such adult-like wisdom at times that I feel like the child at his feet. He knows me well enough to recognize both my forgetfulness and dislike of criticism, so he gets what he wants while remembering to be kind. Yet moments later he allows me to carry him like a much younger child, his legs encircling my waist, head tucked under my chin as I accompany him to his room.  "But remember...did you tell yourself in your head so you don't forget?" He just popped back into my room to dispense with some friendly advice.  We also have a special smile - it means: Love you forever and ever, Mommy and Daddy. This is the same child who relentlessly goads his younger brother into a fist-fighting frenzy almost hourly, expertly wielded a steak-knife upon my newly re-upholstered dining room chairs, (covered with very expensive oilcloth i ordered all the way from portland, or), leaving them with nearly 30 uniform slits between 2 chairs, ignores "no" repeatedly while looking ryan and me in the eyes with a knowing smile, and frequently manages to cut his own hair with childrens' scissors.  Ahhh, my heart overfloweth...

wii?...oui!

what is it about exercise that makes me feel so darn fabulous?  i know that after only a few weeks of working out every other day i can't possibly be looking any better - and i know i haven't lost a pound (or even 1/2 of one - the melodious, kindly voice of the wii lets me know every time i step onto the balance board how svelte i am not).  BUT, i feel like i look bettter because all of those lovely endorphins are running around my body, energizing me and helping me sleep better at night.  though i do agree with my jaded and ever-so hip elder brother that nintendo is definitely cashing in on the whole "fit" concept - like calling something "all natural" and expecting people not to read the ingredients and figure "i'm good", it's working for me.  i've heard some diss it, with comments like: just get off of your butt and go run.  but, really, i don't have time alone from my children to do those sorts of things unless i want to do it in the dark, and the freezing cold.  i don't own a treadmill or a membership to a gym.  i'm also not in shape like i used to be - so any movement (aside from hoisting my 25-lb 5 month old around) is a calorie-burning wonder.  and folks, take it from someone who has been doing yoga off and on for almost 15 years - if you do it right, it works.  just yoga.  admittedly, it's kind of pathetic that i have to have a computer connected to a miraculous little balance board (how DOES that thing do what it does, really?) to actually do the yoga instead of just on my own.  but the sight of my plump little mii and the snarky little comments does just the trick for me.  i feel accountable. 

grateful? check.

i was roaming around the blogosphere, and happened upon "a good grief". it was one of my phobias, nightmares, obsessions: a mother, molly, lost her two year old daughter after she choked on a miniscule piece of apple as they were pulling out of the church parking lot...after i cried my eyes out i thought of a few things... i am so LUCKILY BLESSED - angels have truly watched over my children.  when briar was just over three, i watched her nearly choke on a hard candy in our living room.  molly descibes how her daughter's eyes locked onto her's with a panic - i remember that look.  i remember performing the heimlich, after looking at my friend who was visiting, her words echoing in my head: i don't know...i don't know what to do! earlier, when she was just beginning to eat, i gave her the heimlich as an infant while she choked on wads of parsley.  i have given forceful back slaps to charles twice, and abdominal thrusts once...the most recent episode involved another one of those dreaded hard-candies  i had banned from our household.  he found a leftover from the candy parade i did not attend and was not aware of.  i was nursing henry in my bedroom and heard the tell-tale gagging and gasping, he was trying to make himself vomit. i leaped from the bed, leaving a startled henry squalling.  charlie was staggering around with tears streaming down his face. after one frozen moment that seemed like much longer, i pounded, thrusted, and it popped out like a rocket. 

now i'm remembering how robbed of my time i felt this evening when they refused to obediently shuffle off to bed.  i was resentful, crabby, and threatening when they asked for water (after being tucked in, of course).  don't get me wrong, they need to adhere to bedtime.  but i could have enforced it with more decorum and love.  for now, i have 4 beautiful, vibrant, demanding, often-precocious, imaginative, creative children that love me and depend on me.  i am their mother, their mother! i love the sound of calling myself that - linking us together eternally.  oh, it is good to be a mother.  it sweet to hold my babes close and smell their hair, cheek to cheek, and feel their weight on my lap and in my arms.  i have them here with me; my time is OUR time.  it is my season to give fully of myself.  i intend to be more grateful and less resentful in this coming year and all of those i have left with my children.  i intend to spend more time creating and sustaining "the peaceful, happy moments..." i want them to remember me for the "sunshine in my soul" instead of the crabbiness that has dwelt so often in my heart lately. they need more kind words and less sharp ones from these lips.  For truly, There is gladness in my soul today,
And hope and praise and love,
For blessings which he gives me now,
For joys “laid up” above.
that hymn sums up my dream for 2010.  who's with me? :)

it's beginning to smell a lot like christmas...

i thought i was set - i really did. all of the gifts i ordered from etsy showed up, minus one, and i think the seller is just kind of a butthead (just sayin'). wallyworld even had the walking/roaring dinos the boys asked for. the kids are packed for grandma's house. the spinach is defrosting for the dip i'll whip up soon. we watched the "mormon message" about the reason for christmas yet again. we baked up the batch of the nastiest looking, greasiest tasting sugar cookies i've ever sampled (don't use pillsbury to save time - it's not worth it!). i even plucked a few errant chin hairs. this morning i sent ryan to the store to get the chili powder i needed for the christmas eve chicken enchiladas. we didn't buy chicken last night at the cheaper chain grocery store while in the big city b/c i was ALL SET. i had 6+ chicken breasts waiting in my fridge. i plugged in the crockpot and grabbed the breasts: an a horrible odor wafted up to my nostrils when i pulled them out. i sniffed, i checked the "best by" date: dec. 18th. i sniffed again and almost ralphed into the crockpot. so i called ryan's mom and asked her advice on the chicken (i was obviously still in denial). so we're heading out, all 5 of us, to the grocery store to buy more, and ridiculously expensive - chicken breasts from the local market. i was so pleased the "mega pack" only set me back $14...and now it's in the trash. at least we get to perform the nativity this year with a real live baby. feliz navidad, amiguitos!

Baby Love

my baby love...yes, i'm singing the supremes' song in my head while i type this. i also sing it to baby h nearly day. his newest endearing quality: how completely attached he is to me. his world revolves around me and i am in love...his older siblings don't need me so completely. when he wakes up, all i have to do is call to him and i watch a huge, toothless grin spread across his face - i feel like my heart is melting. just tonight he started waking up and grumbling, sticking out his "bucket lip"...i just said his name and he was smiling radiantly. no one else gets this excited to see me. apparently i need the ego boost. my newborn has done wonders for my self-esteem. nevermind that anyone who took care of him would be so revered. he's been doing this for a couple of months now, but it never fails to make me happy: when he knows it's time to nurse, he giggles and whoops (in a very small baby way) and kicks his pudgy legs. he also nurses me with his hands - get the picture? i'll stop now before i get too graphic. ahhhhhh, he's so cute.

lips

someone is smacking their lips and making farting sounds (with their lips) in their sleep. it is really quite hilarious. i should go and see who it is, but i'm enjoying listening here in silence too much. what does it all mean?

it was charles, of course. his lips were dry. he said: "mom, mine lips are like, are like, bonking." now he is crying over "snakey". my children are overly-creative when it comes to naming their stuffed animals/toys. snakey is a sparkly two-toned orange beanie baby snake from pike street market. i feel for the child, but i'm not about to search the house at this hour when the only reason i am awake is b/c i ate something disagreeable and i think i have mastitis (the one and only time i probably won't care if i made a spelling error). sorry, chuckle cat.

ughhh...

we're having pizza for supper again tonight-at least ryan agreed to it this time instead of suggesting i whip up a something from the nothing in my cupboards. seriously, i don't know how to get grocery shopping done with four kids. and henry has decided he's off naps - at four months olds. which makes for a very cranky baby and a very cranky mom. good thing we have a nurse visiting right after ryan gets home tonight to draw our blood for the life insurance we just upped. i love it when strangers come to my messy house after days like today right in the middle of dinner time. it rocks.