grateful? check.

i was roaming around the blogosphere, and happened upon "a good grief". it was one of my phobias, nightmares, obsessions: a mother, molly, lost her two year old daughter after she choked on a miniscule piece of apple as they were pulling out of the church parking lot...after i cried my eyes out i thought of a few things... i am so LUCKILY BLESSED - angels have truly watched over my children.  when briar was just over three, i watched her nearly choke on a hard candy in our living room.  molly descibes how her daughter's eyes locked onto her's with a panic - i remember that look.  i remember performing the heimlich, after looking at my friend who was visiting, her words echoing in my head: i don't know...i don't know what to do! earlier, when she was just beginning to eat, i gave her the heimlich as an infant while she choked on wads of parsley.  i have given forceful back slaps to charles twice, and abdominal thrusts once...the most recent episode involved another one of those dreaded hard-candies  i had banned from our household.  he found a leftover from the candy parade i did not attend and was not aware of.  i was nursing henry in my bedroom and heard the tell-tale gagging and gasping, he was trying to make himself vomit. i leaped from the bed, leaving a startled henry squalling.  charlie was staggering around with tears streaming down his face. after one frozen moment that seemed like much longer, i pounded, thrusted, and it popped out like a rocket. 

now i'm remembering how robbed of my time i felt this evening when they refused to obediently shuffle off to bed.  i was resentful, crabby, and threatening when they asked for water (after being tucked in, of course).  don't get me wrong, they need to adhere to bedtime.  but i could have enforced it with more decorum and love.  for now, i have 4 beautiful, vibrant, demanding, often-precocious, imaginative, creative children that love me and depend on me.  i am their mother, their mother! i love the sound of calling myself that - linking us together eternally.  oh, it is good to be a mother.  it sweet to hold my babes close and smell their hair, cheek to cheek, and feel their weight on my lap and in my arms.  i have them here with me; my time is OUR time.  it is my season to give fully of myself.  i intend to be more grateful and less resentful in this coming year and all of those i have left with my children.  i intend to spend more time creating and sustaining "the peaceful, happy moments..." i want them to remember me for the "sunshine in my soul" instead of the crabbiness that has dwelt so often in my heart lately. they need more kind words and less sharp ones from these lips.  For truly, There is gladness in my soul today,
And hope and praise and love,
For blessings which he gives me now,
For joys “laid up” above.
that hymn sums up my dream for 2010.  who's with me? :)